Medical transcription is a very important process when it comes to the business of saving lives. Those are the seemingly indecipherable notes on your patient sheet that your doctor will look over to help decide which medicines and treatments you will need to become a functioning human being again. Unfortunately, a lot of these notes are written in haste and words can be misspelled, forgotten, or switched around.
You might be shocked to hear that doctors goof up on those notes, especially when receiving wrong doses or entirely wrong medicines can do much more harm than good. While medical transcription errors are best avoided, not all of them spell doom for a patient. In fact, a lot of them are hilarious. Here are some of the best medical transcription errors that have found themselves leaked onto the Internet.
Transcription Error: The patient was breathing heavily with no signs of respiration
Hmm. This sounds like the kind of case that only House M.D. could solve, with a mixture of snark and common sense. I guess the twist ending would be chest spasms without lung compression. Or House would just call whoever wrote this note an idiot.
Transcription Error: The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately
Doctors spend years and years in school, learning how to do doctor things. After these years and years of school, they have to go through years of on the job training. This is quite understandable, as anybody with a decent chance of being elbow deep in somebody’s intestines should know what they are doing. The downside of this is doctors don’t learn sentence structure. Or this was just the world’s most emotional M.D.
Transcription Error: Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
This is the type of note that we all wished our doctors would write for us. Forget those cheesy pick-up lines. Whenever you are at the bar you would just pull out this official documentation from your doctor, show it to the woman of your choice, and have the night of your life. This is of course assuming that the note is accurate, which this example certainly wasn’t. It was just the best accidental compliment of that patient’s life.
Transcription Error: Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles
That sounds terrifying. The specific level of terror depends on the distance between the patient’s rectum and Los Angeles, but it is arguable that the phrase “bleeding started in the rectal area” is terrifying enough on its own.
Transcription Error: She is numb from her toes down
Alright ladies, if these are the problems that you are seeing the doctor for then you have officially lost all rights to make fun of guys about refusing to see doctors. We at least wait until that numbness reaches our ankles. Tough guys will wait until it hits the knees. Or else the doctor forgot to address the serious matter of toes growing out of a woman’s forehead.
Transcription Error: Social history reveals this 1 year old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed
On second thought, this might not be an error. The news is always talking about how fast kids are growing up these days, what with all the hormones put in our cheeseburgers and all. Maybe doctors are actually concerned about alcoholic chain smoking infants. Maybe this medical transcription is proof that we will finally see a baby born with a glorious mustache.
Transcription Error: Patient called and left word that he had expired last week
This patient wins the award for most courteous zombie of all time. Of course the doctor probably meant that the patient’s health insurance or something had expired, but a polite zombie apocalypse is a far more interesting theory.
Transcription Error: On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely
Everybody has memories of falling down and scraping their knee when they were little. You would sit there and cry over what was a horrific injury in your mind, but actually barely qualified as a boo boo. It was at this time a supposedly funny uncle or dad would joke that they had to amputate. After all, if you don’t have the knee it won’t hurt anymore. This is what happens when somebody gives that funny uncle/dad a medical license.
Transcription Error: Discharge status: Alive but without permission
It is not unheard of for doctors to get a God complex since their jobs are literally life and death. It is a little weird to see one so blatant about his need to control everything. Most doctors would be glad to see a patient breathing, let alone healthy enough to leave the hospital. It sounds like this doctor wants to track down this patient and take away his clean bill of health with his bare hands.
Transcription Error: The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed
Sherlock Holmes is not only the world’s greatest detective, but also the world’s greatest physician. His bedside manner leaves a little to be desired, though.
This article was originally posted at http://ping.fm/7BBrs